Fear and Marriage 

Something as simple as watching a tv show can make people realize what they want. I’ve never been the one to want a wedding.(Lies…) Signing a contract to be with someone just seems a little…. final… to me… I guess I never found the one person who doesn’t make me want to run the other direction when the topic of marriage comes up. 

The thought of a wedding, the party and celebration of the union of two people, is beautiful. I imagine tons of sparkle and smiles and the feeling of home. I’ve never met a person that gives me that feeling. 

Every person I’ve been with has had such negative thoughts when it comes to marriage. Sure I have my own (mostly scared) thoughts about marriage, but even when I get a small feeling of maybe this is the one, they just kill my dream. 

I had one boyfriend who would change the subject completely when I asked about the future. I don’t plan ahead because things can change so quickly, but I also don’t want to waste my time with someone if they can’t even see us together a year from then (I usually ask about the future at least 6 months into the relationship. It’s not something I ask on day one). 

I’m not saying that he was wrong to panic. I was engaged once and I put off the wedding date and our relationship finally died after two years. Maybe that’s why I’m personally afraid of marriage. I know that people and life can instantly change. 

The boy I’m with now doesn’t like marriage because of weddings having to do with “capitalism” or some shit. I don’t know. I can’t even bring up marriage or weddings, or even watch a wedding show (Say Yes to the Dress is my favorite) he has to make a negative comment. Even though he has something negative to say about EVERYTHING. 

I just know, deep down, I do want a wedding. I just know at this time and place in my mind, I will not get married anytime soon. 

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